Sikhism- An Introduction Read online

  My mother-in-law is bad. She will not have me in the house. The vicious one will not let me meet my husband. (AG 355)

  (The reference is presumably to those things that prevent the union of the soul with God, but the imagery used is one with which his audience would be fully familiar.)

  Language often indicates where cultural strengths and weaknesses lie. In English there is nothing beyond the word ‘cousin’ other than derivatives such as second cousins, half cousin, cousin twice removed, and the like. A study of the Table of Affinity in the Book of Common Prayer reveals only eight words to cover 50 relationships. In Punjabi there are 50! And there are many more besides. There are two words, for example, for ‘father’s brother’ depending on whether the brother referred to is younger or older than the father.

  Hierarchy in Indian families is very important and at a young age a child will learn the appropriate kinship terms and the conduct that is expected when dealing with the relative. Young girls will know that they can tease their sister’s husband’s younger brother but that they must be respectful to his older brother, if he has one. The husband, too, will know how to behave in different circumstances. In the presence of his older brother he will be expected to be deferential, even though he may be middle-aged. If, in a conversation with a third party, the younger brother seems to be monopolizing it, his older one will tell him in no uncertain tones to ‘Shut up!’ and sometime later may give him permission to re-enter the discussion.

  One particular example of the precise meaning of kinship names might be given to demonstrate what has been described above. An aunt might be called:

  masi if she is your mother’s sister

  mami is she is your mother’s brother’s wife

  bua if she is your father’s sister

  chachi is she is your father’s younger brother’s wife

  tai if she is your father’s elder brother’s wife.

  Children learn these names from an early age and acquire the behaviour proper to the relationship. Ji is often added when more respect is being conveyed, for example ‘taiji’. Sometimes, in Britain and other countries of the dispersion, these terms are not known and a child may talk about ‘Portsmouth uncle’ to distinguish him from another in Birmingham, but there are many second-generation Sikhs who do know the appropriate names and take a pride in such knowledge.

  Because of the limitations of the English language in the area of relations, it is possible to hear a Sikh describing someone as his cousin-brother. This can be a way of distancing a relative. He may be near, but he is not close enough in respect to count as a full brother. ‘Brother’ is always used of someone who is a brother. It may also be used to describe someone who is highly regarded by the family, even though not a kinsman. It is a description to be valued and cherished. Cousin-brother is not!

  In traditional homes it is still customary for the men to sit down and be fed by the women, who will eat only when the men have finished their meal, especially if there are guests to be entertained. Daughters will serve the food the other women have cooked. If there are only sons, the youngest of them will become an ‘honorary daughter’, if such a term can be used in an Indian context, and serve the men. Having said this, it must be added that there are households, not only Sikh, where the family sits down at table together and its male members take a hand in preparing the meal and clearing the dishes afterwards.

  Domestic life being so hierarchical it is easy to see how a wife could be incompatible, not so much with her husband as with the family of which he is a part. The marriage of an agricultural student and his medical doctor trainee wife might only succeed if they were to set up their own home and establish a nuclear family. This would probably mean that the man would have to change his form of employment if his wife found an urban practice, or she might have to make sacrifices in a rural society and both might lose the security of their families. For the extended family, it must be noted, is a tremendously successful social security mechanism.

  For a vast number of people in India, there is no social support system. In their old age, parents depend on their sons to maintain them. That remains a reason for having large families and rejoicing at the birth of a boy more than a girl. A girl will marry and leave her home for another, probably accompanied by a considerable dowry. She is a liability from birth until her wedding day. In Punjabi she is described as being paraya dhan, the property of others. This explains, but does not justify, female infanticide, still practised by some families, or bride deaths when a recently married girl is killed when the kerosene stove in the kitchen allegedly overturns and she is burned to death (the real reason being that the dowry was not paid in full, or the husband’s family demands even more from her parents). The modern practice of amniocentesis to discover whether a child is female, and the use of abortion if it is, is only the latest method of restricting the female population. All these practices are in stark contradiction to the teachings of the Sikh Gurus. As long ago as the sixteenth century, Guru Amar Das said, ‘Cursed is he who kills a daughter’ (AG 1413). The murder of anyone, as well as the use of dowries, is also specifically prohibited by the Sikh Code of Discipline.

  Two stories may be told to illustrate the value of the extended family system. One is that of a friend preparing to go to India in the mid-1970s. He asked me to call on him the evening before his departure. Our conversation was interrupted by at least 20 family visitors, each bringing money. Some were returning interest-free loans given to them a few years earlier when they were setting themselves up in business or buying a house. (Borrowing from banks or taking out mortgages is something Asians prefer not to do, and moneylenders are the scourge of many rural families in India.) Other contributions came from those who recognized their duty to assist a kinsman in need. In all he received about £2,000 that evening. The second example is the story of seven brothers and two sisters. Their father had died. The eldest child found a job so that he could support the family and put his next brother through university (there are few grants and scholarships in India). This completed, the second brother assumed the role of provider while his eldest brother went to college. Eventually the whole family of nine received an education, the girls were married, the older first, and then the brothers married in order of seniority. One of them took their mother into his home, of course.

  The examples cited are Sikh but could belong to any Indian community. Arranged marriages are not of the essence of Sikhism. Love marriages can be equally Sikh, but foreign journalists and teachers who deplore the arranged marriage system ought to take the time to understand it before they encourage British children of Asian backgrounds to adopt Western ways. Often they are doing no more than exposing young people to life in a cultural no-man’s land. Colour bars them from being fully accepted in one culture; the flaunting of family mores necessitates their father turning them out of the family if he is not to lose face among his kin and community, both in Britain and in India. Relatives still living there will not be slow to inform him that the chances of arranging marriages for their children are placed severely at risk because of stories reaching the village that he unable to control his own.

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  Insight

  Pride (izzat) is very important in Punjabi culture. Family pride and its feared opposite, shame, play a great part in social behaviour. A family that has to call in social workers to help with a domestic crisis – a teenager running away from home, for example – will lose face in the community. Asian families are supposed to be capable of sorting out their difficulties without recourse to outside agencies.

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  Sikhs, as has been said, encapsulate all the stages of life in one, but when parents become grandparents they are likely to modify their behaviour and change their lifestyle. They will, of course, enjoy the company of their grandchildren and spend hours watching television, especially Indian films, but those who are devout will spend more time in the room of their house set aside for the Guru Granth Sahib, ‘Babaji’s room’ a
s they call it, if there is one. If not, they may stay in their bedroom for long periods reading their gutkas, books containing selected hymns, and meditating. The gurdwara becomes a place that they visit daily for many hours. There they can meditate and meet old people like themselves and reminisce about life in Punjab.

  Family ceremonies

  There are three domestic ceremonies that Sikhs observe in a distinctive manner. These relate to the birth and naming of a child, marriage and death and are examined in the next three chapters.

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  The proper behaviour of Sikh children

  Asian culture describes a code of conduct for children that can still be found in Western Sikh communities.

  Children should not offer their opinions in the presence of their elders or contradict them. Even if parents or other elders invite them to do so at some gathering, perhaps an inter-religious discussion involving young people, they may remain hesitant because the invitation is so unusual. They may also be anxious lest afterwards their parents are criticized by other members of the community who think they have been too forward!

  ‘Look at me when I am speaking to you’ is a usual request – or demand – when a teacher is reprimanding a pupil. But eye contact is a form of rudeness in Asian society. Children and women should look down, not up!

  ‘Honour your parents’ is a living Asian principle. It is not long ago that it was expected of children (and offspring remain children as long as parents and other elders live) that they should bow in front of grandparents and other senior members of the family and touch their feet. Mattha tekna may be less common in the West than in India and more a voluntary act of politeness and respect than a requirement, but the practice may still be found. It says much about the status of elders. (Sikhs touching the steps of the gurdwara and bowing before the Guru Granth Sahib are, of course, doing the same thing.)

  Cultures change and the opposite of these situations can often be found, especially as most parents of Sikh schoolchildren living in Britain were probably born here, but they too have parents who may be severely critical of the way in which their grandchildren are being reared! (Not an exclusively Asian phenomenon.)

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  THINGS TO REMEMBER

  There are many attractive features among Asian families, including Sikh, such as the way they provide mutual support.

  However, even in their homelands, the extended family is under strain with older members being put into old people’s homes, for example.

  In considering extended families and arranged marriages, be prepared for great variety.

  Family pride, izzat, remains strong.

  The use of professional social workers to help settle domestic issues can be regarded as a failure by the extended family.

  Families are traditionally hierarchical so, for example, an older daughter should marry before her younger sister.

  All four stages of Hindu life are said to be lived concurrently by Sikhs.

  Marriage rather than celibacy is emphatically the norm among Sikhs.

  Marriages tend to be within the caste subgroup, so Ramgarhia will marry Ramgarhia, Jat will marry Jat and Arora will marry Arora.

  It may be regarded as preferable for a Sikh Jat to marry a Hindu Jat than to marry a Sikh Ramgarhia for various cultural and social reasons, but similarly to marry a Muslim or Christian Jat might not be well received.

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  5

  Sikh names and the naming ceremony

  In this chapter you will learn:

  about Sikh names

  about the naming ceremony

  about starting out in the Sikh community.

  Parents seem to find many ways to determine names for their children. Some use family names, that of a grandparent, or one that has had a family connection over a number of generations. Others choose that of a popular film or pop star, always risky as someone years later may remember when Britney Spears first became famous and work out the age of the person named after her! Some parents use name books, which can be found in libraries or shops. Americans seem prone to keeping the same name over the generations and calling the new child John P Smith the fourth. In past times names such as Septimus and the like were popular among parents who seemed to be too exhausted to make other choices when number seven appeared!

  With Sikh given names, one immediately runs into the difficulty that most of them can belong to both men and women. So a letter signed Jaswant Sohel leaves you guessing whether to reply ‘Dear Mr or Dear Mrs or Ms …’ The Quaker way may actually be the simplest solution – use no title, simply ‘Dear Jaswant Sohel’, but even today that seems to be too familiar for some people.

  Help may be to hand, however. The correspondent may have written ‘Jaswant K Sohel’ as a signature. ‘K’ stands for ‘Kaur’ so you can be sure that you are dealing with a female.

  But things are rarely as straightforward as they seem. Indeed, until the 1980s, nurses who wanted to register their surname as Kaur were told that they must register using their father’s surname otherwise she would not be put on the register. Those Sikh female nurses who complained were informed that if they did not like it they need not register and would have to begin the training process all over again. That situation has fortunately been remedied, and Sikh nurses may choose which name they wish to use for registration purposes. Apparently the French situation is not so simple. A Frenchman who converted to Sikhism wished to use the name given to him at his initiation. So far his attempt to become known legally by that forename has been refused and he has, for the moment, decided to spend no more money on legal fees.

  In the West a further complication may arise because most Europeans are unfamiliar with the naming customs of Sikhs, Muslims, Hindus and others. One day a young Sikh man was interviewed on television after rescuing some children from a blazing house. The caption described him as … Kaur! Enquiries in the community confirmed what you may have guessed: his mother ‘Mrs Kaur’, a widow, had been interviewed and, naturally, it was assumed that he, her son, must be called Kaur too.

  A further concession to what often seems to be Western laziness is the acceptance of names used in the majority culture. People seem unable to cope with polysyllables so a young man named Charanjit calls himself ‘John’ and a young woman of the same given name is ‘Sharon’, even to her family. Sikh names are often given without any thought to their meaning and sometimes parents even make them up using their own given names. So Jaswant Kaur and Harminder Singh may call their child Jasminder; after all, they say, he or she was the child of their mutual love, so what could be better than to give the baby a name compounded of theirs!

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  Insight

  When addressing a Sikh woman, one may use Mrs Kaur or Mrs Singh. The full official Sikh nomenclature is ‘Sardar Harbans Singh’ or ‘Sardani Baljit Kaur’, but otherwise Harbans Singh or Baljit Kaur are acceptable. Harbans or Baljit on their own are not commonly used by Sikhs.

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  Of course traditions change as people move from one culture to another, especially among younger people. Some wives may never call her husband by his given name in public, using instead ‘Mr Singh’ or ‘Mr Lal’ for example. The daughter may answer the phone saying: ‘This is Gurnam. Dad isn’t home yet’, or, of her own husband, ‘Paramjit is round at his mum’s. Can I take a message?’ Younger couples now tend to use personal or even pet names in public.

  Guru Gobind Singh introduced the names Kaur and Singh to replace the traditional family names such as Bedi, Sodhi, Sohel, Gill, Rathor or, in his case, Rai. From such family names, which represent the got to which a person belongs, it is usually possible to discover their zat and thus their place in the social hierarchy of India. Despite the advantage of the system, a glance at a London telephone directory with its many columns of Singhs, or reading an article by ‘Harbans Singh’ in a Sikh newspaper (there are at least six theologians or journalists who share the name, to my knowledge), the disadvanta
ges can soon be recognized. Consequently, many Sikhs will use the got name. Sometimes one suspects that a certain element of family pride is also involved for, while low-caste people may use Singh to hide their got, those who come from the same got as Guru Nanak, a fairly high-ranking khatri zat, are likely to be happily known as Avtar Singh Bedi!

  Occasionally, a name may be common to more than one got; for example ‘Birdi’ also known as ‘Verdi/Virdi’ could be Ramgharia or chamar. (The significance of caste in Sikhism will be discussed in Chapter 10.)

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  Insight

  It should not have escaped notice that Guru Gobind Singh accidentally solved the surname problem that vexes a number of Western women nowadays. They do not wish to take their husband’s name at marriage – so they keep their own, which is derived from their father! The use of Kaur overcomes the difficulty completely.