Sikhism- An Introduction Page 8
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Naming a Sikh child
Sikhs have their own special way of deciding what their baby should be called. Here I shall describe the experience of one couple, Harbans Kaur and Jaswant Singh, following the birth of their daughter.
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CASE STUDY
Harbans Kaur and Jaswant Singh lived in Birmingham and phoned relatives in India, Glasgow, Manchester and many other places. They also bought boxes of Indian sweets to give to neighbours and friends. Someone down the street who was not a Sikh and not familiar with Sikh ways was surprised when Jaswant Singh knocked on the door and gave him his news and the sweets. When he understood, however, he agreed that it was a good custom. Harbans and Jaswant are modern Sikh parents, they value a daughter as much as a son, so they gave small presents to friends and relations. Some families give presents only if the baby is a boy, even though the Gurus said that men and women are equal and that girls and boys should be regarded as gifts of God. During the next few days relatives brought presents, specially at the weekend when people had no need to be at work. Harbans’ parents brought clothes for their daughter and the baby, as well as turban lengths for their son-in-law. Other relatives gave money.
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The birth of the child was also traditionally marked by the following custom. A respected member of the community visited the home, poured some water into a small metal bowl, added some honey and stirred it, while reciting the first five verses of Guru Nanak Japji. A few drops of the sanctified water were poured into the baby’s mouth, and the rest was given to the mother (Figure 5.1). Sometimes, if this ceremony has not taken place in the home, the parents will take their baby to the gurdwara where he or she will be placed before the Guru Granth Sahib and then given some honey on the tip of a kirpan.
Figure 5.1 A baby given amrit during a naming ceremony.
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CASE STUDY
One Sunday, convenient to the family, the baby, already given the pet name Rani (Queen) was taken to the gurdwara to be given a name. Harbans Kaur proudly carried the baby. Jaswant Singh brought some coverings, called rumalas, to put on the Guru Granth Sahib. The congregation sang:
I have the support of God, the almighty, so my sufferings and sorrows are over. Men and women alike, rejoice. God has been good to everyone. O devotees of God, there is peace all over because God’s love has spread everywhere. (AG 628)
They also welcomed the new member of the sangat with this hymn:
God has been kind to me. The almighty one has fulfilled my longing. I have come home purified by God’s love and obtained blessing, happiness and peace. O saintly people, only God’s Name can give us true liberty. Always remember God and keep doing good, day and night. (AG 621/622)
As they sang this hymn the parents promised to bring up their child as a Sikh so that one day when she became an adult she would be able to make her own personal commitment to God.
Another popular hymn is a verse that the mother of Guru Arjan composed when he was born:
Dear son, this is your mother’s blessing. May God never be out of your mind even for a moment. Meditation on God should be your constant concern. It purges people of all faults. May God, the Guru, be kind to you. May you love the company of God’s people. May God robe you with honour and may your food be the singing of God’s praises. (AG 496)
A member of the congregation stood facing the scripture and offered the congregational prayer, Ardas. Then the granthi, who was a woman for this special occasion, asked Harbans Kaur and Jaswant Singh to bring forward their baby and lay her on the floor in front of the Guru Granth Sahib. She then opened the book at random and read the first new verse on the left-hand page. It began with the word ‘Bishram’ from page 818, so the granthi said the baby’s name should begin with a ‘B’. The rest of the family who were sitting near Harbans Kaur and Jaswant spoke quietly among themselves. Balwant, Baljit, Bakshish … why not Bishram itself? It meant peace. Harbans Kaur realized that if she chose it she would get some peace from the relatives who were pushing their favourite names! ‘Bishram,’ she said. The granthi announced the name ‘Bishram Kaur’ to the sangat and added loudly, ‘Jo bole so nihal’. (A Sikh slogan of approval that cannot really be translated.) The congregation shouted back its agreement with ‘Sat sri akal’, the Sikh greeting which means ‘God is truth’. Everyone shared karah parshad and friends gathered around the happy couple and the new member of the community.
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Sikhs should consult the Guru Granth Sahib when naming each child in a family. However, it is possible to find families in which every child has a name beginning with the same initial, ‘H’ or ‘G’ for example. It is difficult to avoid the conclusion that the scripture was consulted once and the letter originally chosen was used on the three or four subsequent occasions. This, however, is not standard practice.
Naming converts
A convert to Sikhism would be expected to take amrit initiation and indeed would probably request it because it provides the clearest possible way of assuming Sikh identity. The naming ceremony described above would then be incorporated into the amrit pahul.
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THINGS TO REMEMBER
Most Sikh given names can belong to both men and women.
Sikh names are often given without any thought to their meaning.
When addressing a Sikh woman, one may use Mrs Kaur or Mrs Singh.
Guru Gobind Singh introduced the names Kaur and Singh to replace traditional family names.
Sikh parents give small presents to friends and relations on the birth of a child.
Sikhs consult the Guru Granth Sahib when naming their children.
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6
Marriage (anand karaj)
In this chapter you will learn:
about the concept of marriage
about the wedding ceremony
about integrating into a new family.
A Sikh wedding service takes only 20 minutes to perform but the preceding (strictly speaking non-Sikh and non-essential, but not unimportant) arrangements may take many months.
Even if the boy and girl have met and fallen in love at college or work and the parents have been persuaded to accept and endorse the relationship, the marriage is still regarded as the joining of two families. The letters, phone calls or journeys that might have occurred as kin attempted to find a suitable marriage partner would not now be necessary but there are still matters to discuss between the two families. No Sikhs who intend to remain in good standing with their families and their religion seem yet to have adopted the practice, described in some Victorian novels, of organizing a quiet wedding conducted by a compliant clergyman and witnessed only by a couple of discreet friends.
There may be a dowry to consider. True Sikhs fully obedient to the tenets of the faith should have nothing to do with demanding a dowry and some families let it be known that they will have nothing to do with the system. Many succumb, however, and put themselves in debt to moneylenders for years to come, the victims of vanity and pride, concerned that their daughter be well received by her new family. In the days before the wedding, the dowry and other presents will be displayed in the girl’s home, together with the needlework that a village girl will have produced in her years of preparations for the great day of her life. The temptation for families to outdo one another on such an occasion can well be imagined.
Through meeting one another the families can become acquainted. Often there is a tie of friendship somewhere behind the marriage – the couple may be the children of classmates or one may be the relative of the other’s uncle’s wife for example. Tradition, however, rules that marriages should not be within eight or sometimes six gots. Put simply, if Gill and Dhillon are marrying, those names should not be found among grandparents or great-grandparents. Nowadays, four gots are sometimes considered sufficient. Rules about gots are intended only to prevent the dangers that can arise from inbreeding. Otherwise they have no importance. The Rahit
Maryada (see Chapter 14) says Sikhs may marry anyone regardless of got. The only rule is that Sikh girls should marry only Sikhs and that child marriages are forbidden. The girl should be at least 18 and it is usual for the groom to be older than the bride. Normally, marriages are between members of the same zat (caste): Jat marries Jat, Ramgharia marries Ramgharia, for example (see Chapter 16). Caste should have no place in Sikh marriages but in practice it is influential, though the number of inter-caste marriages is increasing and in America marriages with non-Sikhs are numerous, though not always accepted by all families.
In many countries a civil marriage is a legal requirement, with a religious ceremony optional, but England and Wales are examples of countries where a place of worship may be registered for the solemnizing of marriages. Some gurdwaras have become licensed; elsewhere the civil marriage is likely to take place in the groom’s home town, followed days, weeks or months later by a ceremony in the bride’s gurdwara.
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Insight
As it is the religious wedding that matters to Sikhs, the civil wedding will not be accompanied by a lavish reception and only a few family members are likely to attend. Bride and groom will return to their own homes and turn up at work next day as though nothing had happened, much to the surprise of any non-Sikh friends who knew that they were getting married.
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A Sikh wedding must take place in the presence of the Guru Granth Sahib and witnesses (Figure 6.1). This is really the only necessary requirement. In Britain this usually means that the gurdwara will be chosen. In India, in a different climate and where village gurdwaras are often small, a marquee might be used, even the crowded flat roof of a house with the overflow watching from other roofs. Traditionally the groom would arrive on horseback followed by his male relatives and friends, perhaps with his youngest brother seated in front of him; sometimes this custom is still practised. In Britain, a nominal journey of a few hundred metres on horseback has been known. The sighting of hired buses or a fleet of cars, however, is the more normal way of heralding the approach of the groom’s party.
Next the menfolk of each family assemble for the ceremony of milni at which gifts are exchanged between equivalent ranking members. Men usually give turban lengths or a shirt. The visitors are also provided with refreshments. In Punjab, the tradition has been for only men to accompany the groom. The women stay at home preparing to receive the bride. Traditions, however, are changing and women relatives and friends often travel with men nowadays. There may even be a form of milni at which the women of the two families exchange gifts. This used to happen only when the groom took his bride, accompanied by her new female kin, back to her relatives for a visit some days after the wedding. When the groom arrives for the wedding he may also be mobbed by young women and girls of his bride’s family who expect to receive presents. These preliminaries, however, are not necessary and vary, as many wedding customs do, from one got to another. Traditionally, however, Sikh weddings are held before noon.
Figure 6.1 Clockwise from the top left: traditional dancing and singing with which women celebrate joyous occasions; putting mehndi on the bride’s hand to symbolize happiness; the official meeting of the bride’s and groom’s families; the departure of the groom’s party before the wedding, to the bride’s home; traditionally the groom’s sisters feed the horse and plait its mane; and (centre), the Lavan, and the circling of the Guru Granth Sahib.
The wedding ceremony
The people attending the wedding take their places in front of the Guru Granth Sahib, paying their respects to it first, of course. The groom, usually wearing a dark-red or pink turban, sits directly in front of the scripture. Eventually the bride with a companion, often a female relative, takes her place at his left side. The person conducting the ceremony asks the couple and their parents to stand as he or she leads the congregation in prayer invoking God’s blessing on the occasion. An appropriate scripture passage is read and the couple are reminded of their duties to one another as husband and wife. They are asked if they will fulfil their responsibilities faithfully and when they nod assent, the end of the groom’s scarf (pulla) is placed in the bride’s right hand. They then stand to listen to the first verse of the wedding hymn, the Lavan, which means encircling.
The four stanzas of the Lavan, the wedding hymn composed by Guru Ram Das, read as follows:
By the first circling the Guru has shown the duties of the householder life. Sing the bani instead of the Vedas and hold fast to the faith which they reveal so that God may free you from all evil inclinations. Cling to righteousness and contemplate God’s name which is the theme of all scriptures. Devote yourself to the True Guru and all evil will depart. Those minds are indeed blessed which are filled with the sweetness of the Name. To them bliss comes effortlessly.
In the second circling you are to recognize that God has caused you to meet the True Guru who washes away the self-centredness of those who sing God’s praises. I stand reverently face to face with the Guru. God is the soul of the universe, the only One, being within us and outside us. There is nothing which God does not pervade. Songs of rejoicing are heard in the company of the godly. Slave Nanak says, in the second round divine music is heard.
In the third circling longing for God and detachment from the world wells up. By our good fortune, in godly company, we encounter God whose purity is found through singing divine praises. Good fortune has brought us into the fellowship of the saints in which the story of the ineffable One is told. God’s love fills our minds and absorbs us, as we have been blessed with a good destiny which is recorded on our foreheads. In the third circling, says Nanak, God’s love is awakened in the heart.
In the fourth round the mind attains divine knowledge and union with God becomes complete. This blissful state is reached through the Guru’s grace. The sweetness of the beloved pervades our souls and bodies. God is dear to me and I to God on whom my mind is fixed day and night. By exalting God I have achieved my heart’s desire. The beloved [God] has completed the union. The bride’s mind has blossomed with the beloved’s name. The beloved is united with the holy bride. Says slave Nanak, in the fourth round I have become one with the One.
At the end of each verse the couple circle the scripture in a clockwise direction, the groom leading, while the musicians sing the stanza which has just been read. With the conclusion of the fourth circling the couple are married. The prayer Ardas will now be offered and will include a request for God’s blessing upon the newly married couple and their families.
The Lavan uses the union of man and woman to describe the relationship of God and devotee. Awe, love, restraint and harmony are the four steps outlined by its composer, Guru Ram Das. They apply equally to the spiritual life and the marital relationship.
You might like to reflect upon what the marriage hymn tells us about Sikh beliefs. Note down a few points and reconsider them when you have read Chapters 12 and 13 on Sikh theology.
After the Lavan come gifts – a coconut from the bride’s mother, coins and notes, some of which will be pinned to the groom’s shirt, while others join the coconut in the pulla. Bride and groom will also be garlanded. Speeches and specially composed poems and songs may be read or sung.
The reception
This varies from the fairly simple langar in the gurdwara to an elaborate buffet (under a marquee in India or in a hall in Britain) at which meat may be served, unless either family is vegetarian. At traditional weddings men eat first (with non-Sikh female guests being given honorary male status). More often now men and women mix together as families at the meal, the newly-weds sitting together.
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Insight
Men have always danced bhangra, and women the female Punjabi equivalent, gidda, but not in the same place. Now, at sophisticated wedding receptions, there may be mixed discos with elderly bemused relatives watching and thinking how things have changed since their young days. Not, of course for the better!
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p; Tradition is usually observed when it comes to the time for the bride to go to her husband’s home. This ceremony called dohli is an occasion for mirth and grief. The bride will return to her parents’ home to prepare for her departure. The groom and close male relatives will follow an hour or so later. They will join the family’s menfolk in another room. The groom will sit with his wife and her relatives, who will pester him and tease him until they receive presents; they are often given silver rings. The bride’s mother blesses the couple. While his wife is preparing to leave, the new husband may be subjected to taunts in the form of jokes by her friends and relatives. They may comment on his clothes, his beard (if he is keshdhari) and his general physical appearance. He will be glad when his wife is ready to leave. She and all the womenfolk may wail, even if it is a love marriage, for she is leaving her family to enter a new one. The tradition of wailing, however, is condemned as not in keeping with the Sikh outlook on life, and is gradually dying out.